Invitation to Local Burglars — T.F. Stern

By T. F. Stern,

In one of my early meetings at church this morning someone mentioned how dumb it was announcing to the world, via the internet, your comings and goings. I decided it was time to have some fun, having read some unbelievably revealing entries in the past.

Use this short letter as a model, changing details to fit, as you let all your friends on Twitter and Facebook know you’ll be on Spring Break, Vacation or just going to the ball game next Friday. As you press the “send button” on your computer, remember; it won’t just be your close circle of friends reading this.

Hey Guys, Fred and I are leaving for our trip to Disney World in a few minutes; wanted to let you know not to expect any postings for a while. We’ll take lots of pictures and share them when we get back Tuesday the 30th.

This part’s for Nan who’ll be taking care of Fluffy: We left the key to the house under the back door floor mat. There’s an extra container of Fluffy’s food in the garage all the way in the back by the freezer if you run low. There isn’t much room to squeeze by; just back Fred’s Mercedes onto the driveway if you need to, key’s on the dinning room table. He worries more about getting a scratch on that car than about the cat; you know how men are about their toys.

Fluffy like’s attention so just sit with her a few minutes and rub behind her ears and she’ll start purring up a storm. We left an extra couple of hundred dollars on the kitchen nook table if you need anything; right next to the envelope with our veterinarian’s emergency phone number and address. If that’s not enough there’s a Master Card in the envelope clipped to a note giving you permission to act in our behalf.

The automatic timer is set so don’t be alarmed if you notice the lights and television on. Fluffy likes to sit on the cable box next to the big screen television, keeps her warm at night. If she’s not there, try looking in the bedroom; she hides in that crawl space under the bed. You might have trouble seeing her because we stashed the silverware and my good jewelry in some old shoe boxes; Fluffy thinks it’s her private cave.

I almost forgot, the code to disable the alarm system is 8514, same as our house numbers. You know how Fred has trouble remembering numbers now that he’s retired; so it’s the same combination for the safe in his closet. For a man who worked with large sums of cash at the bank before retiring you’d think he could remember, oh well.

We’re expecting a delivery of gold coins from that place we found on the internet so make sure you check the mailbox; just put it in the floor safe. You should look into that; we’ve been buying from them for years now and they don’t charge a delivery fee on orders over $10,000.

We had the newspaper shut off while we’re gone; wouldn’t want to alert the bad guys that the house will be empty all week.

Gotta’ go now, I’ll Twitter everyone as soon as we land in Orlando. Love to all, Dottie

The Moral Lib­eral asso­ciate edi­tor, T.F. Stern, is a retired City of Hous­ton police offi­cer, self-employed lock­smith, and gifted polit­i­cal and social com­men­ta­tor. His pop­u­lar and insight­ful blog, T.F. Sterns Rant­i­ngs, has been up and at it since Jan­u­ary of 2005.