Celebrate Cinco de Mayo — T.F. Stern

By T.F. Stern,

My apologies are offered in advance for any and all racial slurs which may or may not be implied while mentioning how important Cinco de Mayo is here in America. I wonder; do the Brits celebrate the 4th of July; I know we don’t have Boxing Day Parades here in Houston.

There’s a short article in the Houston Chronicle, perhaps better described as an advertisement, educating us on the use of a particular brand of Tequila along with a “tasty alternative to the traditional margarita”. Then we’re reminded of the avocado and how important it is.

“An estimated 84.1 million pounds of avocados will be consumed this year for Cinco de Mayo. And while the bulk will be mashed up into guacamole, there are other ways to use this buttery fruit.”

Illegal alien protesters can use avocados to throw at police while marching against Arizona’s ridiculous attempt to maintain its borders. The avocado when ripe is soft and buttery; but unripe avocados…, these suckers are hard as rocks and will put a nasty bump on your head when thrown properly. After a long hot day on the asphalt and having been kicked by advancing jack booted riot squad police, the favored avocado will have softened so they won’t be wasted.

The mashed and bruised hero fruit can then be added to fajitas, burritos or tacos; making sure to properly pronounce these dishes so as not to be mistaken for Gringo food. Repeat after me, using your best Michael Berry accent, “Taaacoos”, a little more Rio Grande Valley on the “aaa”; that’s better. Now try, “faaahiitaaasss”; muy bien amigo!

I recommend obtaining at least two six packs of Dos Equis beer to go along with tortilla chips and guacamole. These items should be obtained between 3am and 4am while most night shift police officers are out of service having a meal at the local Denny’s. Remember, response time’s vary on burglary alarm calls; best to allow for 3 – 4 minutes tops or you’ll be in the slammer and miss out on the festivities.

The time honored way to gain entry into the local grocery store or family market is to heave a large chunk of broken concrete through the front door; make sure the aluminum frame is destroyed or they’ll think amateurs broke in. The broken storefront will only cost the owner a couple of thousand dollars to repair; but that’s what insurance is for so he has no room to complain.

Now grab a couple of six packs of your favorite brew, a large bag of restaurant style tortilla chips, a carton of cigarettes and out into the safety of the shadows before the cock crows. You can use an old American flag to help haul these items away which later can be trampled, spit upon or set on fire once MSNBC’s news camera team has arrived. Remember to pick up your piece of broken concrete as you will need it later at the peaceful assembly of down trodden workers being denied voter privileges.

I hope these simple holiday tips make your festivities worth all the time and effort seeing as how it’s much more fun to celebrate Mexico’s Independence here in the USA. I have a better idea; go back across the border to Mexico, fix your own country and quit bellyaching about how bad you’re treated here.

The Moral Lib­eral asso­ciate edi­tor, T.F. Stern, is a retired City of Hous­ton police offi­cer, self-employed lock­smith, and gifted polit­i­cal and social com­men­ta­tor. His pop­u­lar and insight­ful blog, T.F. Sterns Rant­i­ngs, has been up and at it since Jan­u­ary of 2005.